At some time in their life most female Baby Boomers have asked the question-Where are all the “good” men? We came up with the answer, they’re either married or gay. There may have been some truth there, but as we aged we realized our idea of the ideal man was unrealistic. Most men aren’t the Prince Charming we read about in fairy tales, but there are some wonderful ones out there. Men have asked the same question about women in their youth. Even though they may have wanted a Victoria’s Secret Model, they found those models didn’t want to marry them, but the girl next door did. Now about 50% of those marriages and a greater percentage of second marriages have ended due divorce or their spouses have died and they’re looking for another mate. They find single Baby Boomer women or the often preferred, younger woman, isn’t interested in having a relationship with them.
If you read any of my previous blogs about dating, you know I put my profile on a couple of dating sites. After the initial rush of catfish, married men, and men who may have been very nice, but not of interest to me, the emails stopped. I forgot about closing my account and then a few weeks ago a man contacted me asking if I would write back since his response rate was “abysmal”. From his profile and pictures, he seemed like an intelligent, self-sufficient, financially independent, and good looking man. There was a problem, though. He was separated, not single. He wrote that his soon-to-be-ex-wife lived in a distant state and he wanted a relationship, but would be happy to have a dance partner until that happened. It was a sweet offer and many women my age would’ve jumped at it, but there are those who don’t want to get into a new relationship for a variety of reasons. Here are the ones I’ve found to be most common.
- They don’t want a man to tell them what to do. This could be in everyday life when it comes to family, household, financial, travel, or any other common decisions where a couple needs to be in agreement. Single Baby Boomer women have often been alone for several years and are used to making decisions based on their wants and needs and don’t want to go back to asking permission or even take someone else’s wishes into account. Men may think that’s selfish, but mature women are now ready to put themselves first.
- Single Baby Boomer women don’t want to take care of an old man. They may not be spring chickens either, but the majority of women outlive men and they’ve either lived or seen the future of caring for a man who can no longer do or even want to do the things they enjoyed when they were younger. They don’t want to be responsible for anyone else, even a pet.
- They’re not financially dependent on men. They’ve our own savings, pensions, and investments.
- They don’t have time. Friends, family, work, and other activities fill up their days. The time they have left is often enjoyed in their peaceful home retreat where they can recharge their batteries.
- Sixteen million Boomers, more than 25 percent of men and women are single, so there are many singles with whom they can spend their time in pursuit of their interests.
- Mature women don’t want to take the chance a man will complicate their life with their family, especially their children. If they brought a man into their lives when their children were young, they learned this lesson already.
- Both single Boomer women and men have had their hearts broken, but women usually take longer to heal or don’t want to take the chance it could happen again. Men move on more quickly after a spouse’s death or a divorce.
These reasons may sound harsh and insensitive, but most older ladies enjoy the company of a man if it’s on their terms. They appreciate their companionship and advice on many matters, but don’t feel the pressure to marry like they did in their youth. They’ve earned this freedom and now relish it.
So what’s man to do? Yes, there are still “good” single women looking for “good” single men, but with age has come the wisdom to spot the red flags. A major flag goes up if the man is still married, even if he’s separated from his wife. Although, women know even divorced men go back to their wives, they want them to be divorced for an extended period of time before they start dating them. Likewise, if he’s a recent widower, he needs to have time to grieve.
On The Patricia Raskin Show on The Voice America Channel, the host interviewed Barbara Kennedy author of “Baby Boomer Men Looking for Love – The Last Dance” who said most relationship books are written by men for women not by women for men. During the interview she shared the following information from her book:
- Men know within 15 seconds upon meeting a woman if there’s any possibility a relationship may work. If they want it to work she advises men to be clear if they just want to date or are interested in a long-term relationship. Then they should believe what women say and do. If she says she doesn’t want a long-term relationship, believe her.
- More males lie about their age on the internet than females. Women want authenticity and honesty.
- Men need to do the work on themselves physically, personally, and emotionally before they look for that “good “woman. Today’s mature ladies want healthy men with good grooming who dress well.
- Men are looking for happiness and peace, just like women. They need to get over past grudges and hurts, so they don’t respond negatively if a new woman pushes that button without knowing about it.
- Kennedy also warns not to try to fix her. She isn’t your dead or ex-wife. Embrace her differences and forget how other women in your life did things.
- She advises to “Cast a wider net and be available.” Single Boomer men should talk to women who aren’t married while waiting in line at airports, at clubs, the gym, church etc.
- Barbara also suggests that men make a list of the attributes they want in a “good” match and cross off what they can get along without.
- She recommends cyber researching women before a date to see if they’re married.
- According to her, “Intercourse without intimacy is dead sex.” Both parties need to agree upon a pace that fit their mutual needs. She feels that empty sex is more painful for women than men. Single female Boomers have changed since the 70s and are more reserved and concerned about safety.
In a Huffington Post article “Baby Boomer Men Are Desperate for Single Women! Below… The Secret Your Dr. Won’t Tell You!!”, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-kanegis/dating-after-50_b_4692525.html, the author David Kanegis says, “As a male Baby Boomer I’m looking for vitality, vivaciousness, excitement and a certain joie de vivre that so often disappears as we get older…Do we want a woman to be attractive? Of course. Don’t you want a man to be attractive? However, attractive is a relative term. I’m not going to be disingenuous and say that a chemical reaction isn’t important. It is! But remember, chemical reactions come in all styles, shapes and sizes. Furthermore, I believe that just because we age, we don’t lose the longings of our youth.”
He says he has a secret magic potion for his “good” woman and here it is.
1 cup caring
1/2 cup sharing personal news, trials and tribulations. (Let’s face it; guys usually aren’t as communicative or chatty as gals. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is.)
1 1/2 cup intellectual curiosity
2 cups scintillating conversation
0 cups kvetching- (please check dictionary if term is unfamiliar)
1 cup pampering
1 cup humor
1/3 cup dark chocolate (This is for you since I see it listed in every woman’s singles ad.)
1 cup exercise
Willingness to watch reruns of The Three Stooges and The A – Team
Removal of opera and sarcasm from your vocabulary
Learning the difference between a home run, a soccer goal and a touchdown
Directions: Take all ingredients, add some of your own and feel free to delete any of those listed. Mix together in any order and then: Be Yourself! Feel free to change quantities or substitute ingredients at your discretion. It’s your life!”
If you’re a single male Baby Boomer, maybe you have the answer so please share. Single female Boomers may also want to add their ideas. The law of attraction may have different bylaws as we age, but if both sexes want the same thing they’re more likely to find the person with whom they can spend time or the rest of their lives. The old saying about kissing a lot of frogs may still apply, so men don’t give up. Your princess may be out there, just don’t plan on her looking like a Victoria’s Secret Model or a being a willing housewife anymore. She may have spread her wings for a long time and doesn’t want to give up her freedom.
Continue the adventure!